“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

In a recent writing class I read a very moving poem about addiction, which was quite poignant and touching.  I don’t regret my past, but I do have one – doesn’t everyone?  Things in our past that we’re not especially proud of?   So, I was thinking about her poem and I thought….hummm, I could write about my past, about the pain I felt growing up.  What I had forgotten when I started writing from my 14 year old self was that I had forgotten what it truly felt like.  Most of the time if I talk about my past, it’s almost as a detached observer, it’s like it didn’t even really happen to me for how much emotional connection I allow myself to feel to that past.

I was not a happy child, I didn’t have a happy childhood.  I came from a good family, but went through a period of horrible depression and self hatred that lasted for the majority of my teen through my early twenties.  This story wrenched my soul, reminding me of just how bad I was mentally before years of treatment and professional help.  It was a very dark place for me to visit and the experience has left me feeling raw and emotional.

 


When will the Screaming Subside – original song lyrics

When will the screaming subside

How much of myself do I have to hide

Can you not see the pain inside

 

I went to church, I went to school

I was such a good girl too

Can’t you see, I’m just like you

 

Can’t open my mouth too wide

or they’ll hear the screaming deep inside

and somehow know that it’s all been a lie

 

When will the screaming subside

How much longer do I have to hide

Why can’t you see the pain inside

 

How am I so different than you,

I bought the same clothes as you

How bout her, she’s different too

 

I kept my mouth closed when anyone came near

Forever hiding what I didn’t want them to hear

The madness in my head that won’t disappear

 

When will the screaming subside

I can’t continue to hide

Why doesn’t anyone see the pain inside

 

I’m not so different from you,

I have feelings just like you,

Don’t worry, I hate me too.

 

Is it the freckles or the color of my hair

That made you hate me so much more

Did you think I didn’t notice you point and stare

 

When will the screaming subside

When will I not have to hide

Nobody bothers to see the pain inside

 

For a second I let you glimpse my pain

I broke down and told you I had cut a vein

You didn’t care you told me to try again

 

I see you standing quietly over there,

You call to me, take me if you dare

Amber bottle of relief, please take me off somewhere

 

I can make the pain subside

I can stop the screaming deep inside

No-one cares about the pain I hold inside

 

 

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